Are men yearning for love?

Scroll through Instagram, and you’ll probably see countless posts about emotionally unavailable men. Add to that the common belief that primarily women crave love stories and patiently wait for “the one.”

Naturally, you’d assume men aren’t exactly yearning for love.

Or…do we have it wrong?

A recent study by Wahring et al. suggests that it is not women, but men who yearn more for romantic relationships. 

Not only that, they believe more in love at first sight, are more likely to confess their love sooner, are more willing to continue the relationship, and suffer more from breakups.

Yes, you’re reading that right. No need to visit an ophthalmologist for an eye test.  

So, what’s their argument or basis for saying that? 

Why Romantic Relationships matter more for Men.

When the researchers analysed the existing literature on relationships, they found that romantic relationships are more important for men than women.

One of the core reasons for that is that men lack the emotional support women enjoy through other forms of relationships. 

Men are conditioned to not share their feelings or appear emotional in public, even with their friends, lest they be considered “weak”. 

On the other hand, women follow a “Tend and Befriend” strategy to deal with stressful situations, wherein they seek help and help others, which helps them build a network of connections as a support system. So, when in need, they have people to rely on.

When Ritcher et al. asked millennials whether a partner is required to be happy, they found that more women than men responded that a partner is not required for that.

Further, women in general are more empathic and supportive, which helps them derive the intimacy required for emotional well-being through friends, women support groups, etc.

This can also be observed in how men and women cope with breakups.

When was the last time you went online and saw a guy recommending someone to join the gym after a breakup? It’s quite a phenomenon, right?

On the contrary, how many girls join the gym to move on from a breakup?

Instead, most women find comfort in the company of their friends after a breakup.

This difference between the two in fact reveals that there are few or no outlets for men's emotional needs.

So, what exactly happens due to this difference?

Yes, you might have guessed. Men rely more on their romantic partners for emotional support. 

Due to this, they’re more inclined towards a romantic relationship. Not only that, but they also suffer more from a breakup, hence taking refuge in a gym or physical activities to cope with its emotional effects. 

But then, the question arises that if romantic relationships matter so much to men, then why is it that most men you meet online or on dating apps are emotionally unavailable?

Why are Men on Dating Apps emotionally unavailable?

Like most things in society, the idiosyncratic behavior of men yearning for a romantic relationship yet acting nonchalant can be explained by the disharmony between the order of nature and the order of law, ie. the nurture vs nature debate. 

The importance of romantic relationships is not a trait, but an implication of the norms of the society for men. Since they are expected to “act tough” and not appear weak, they’re forced into a life devoid of meaningful relationships with people on a deeper level.

However, the evolutionary theory of parental investment by Trivers argues that men are more likely to maximise their sexual behaviour given the lesser costs they have as a genitor, including giving birth.

This translates into a continuous clash of increasing chances of copulation and entering into a stable long-term romantic relationship.

The tug-of-war results in the ironic behaviour of men on dating apps, and their functioning in contrast to what they actually need.

However, this does not absolve men of their stupidity of acting nonchalantly.

In fact, if anything, this article reveals how socially acceptable behaviour is pushing men towards self-sabotaging dilemmas which would not have existed if they’d just….confided about their feelings in a friend. 

There now exists a gap between what men want, and what men need, with most of them oblivious to it. 

This gap gets widened when most popular dating apps decide to incentivise casual relationships over romantic relationships to keep their money-pumps running. 

Bridging this gap won’t happen overnight. Whether through rethinking how we define masculinity, encouraging men to open up, or creating dating platforms that value emotional connection over never-ending swiping- change starts with us.

So maybe the next time your friend is melancholic, try asking him what’s wrong instead of soliciting a gym membership.